The Worst Witch

M and I finished AHS Coven a week or so ago and I am so, so, so disappointed at all the wasted potential. I was very excited when Coven was announced; witches have been my thing since I was very small and a show about witches set in one of my favorite cities? With Jessica Lange returning and Angela Bassett appearing? What could go wrong?

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Apparently everything.

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I know, Myrtle, I know. But you know they did you dirty. You were hands down the best part of the season. You’ll always be the Supreme of my heart.

This is what they should have done:

Cut out Madame LaLaurie. Kathy Bates is awesome. Kathy Bates as Madame LaLaurie was awesome. I mean, she did give us some great lines.

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But Murphy & Co really didn’t know what to do with her other than to use her as justification for slavery torture porn, which was unnecessary. So I would have cut her out completely. But where does the tension between Marie and the other witches come from? Easy. Have Queenie originally come from Marie’s camp. She could have been Marie’s protégé, on her way to becoming a powerful Voodoo Queen in her own right, when the powers of Salem come calling. Curious about her new powers and probably knowing Marie will never step down, Queenie joins up with the Robichaux’s witches and that pisses Marie off. Epic power battle begins.

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(I mean, look at this fabulousness. I wouldn’t want to piss of the woman underneath that fantastic fro)

I also would have either cut out the witch hunter storyline or introduced it earlier in the season. As it stands, that plot line was tied up too neatly. I find it really hard to believe that there weren’t any other witch hunters and this one corporation had the monopoly on witch hunting.

I would have left out the Kyle-Zoe-Madison love triangle snoozefest. Kyle was completely unnecessary to the story, but if they had to have some sort of teenage romance going on, they should have left him alive. Let Zoe try to navigate having an alive boyfriend with that deadly vagina of hers, while trying to keep the fact that she’s a witch secret. Much more interesting.

I also would have given Stevie Nicks something better to do. Poor lady.

More Myrtle Snow. I love her. She’s wonderful and wonderfully creepy playing the Theremin in the greenhouse.

Jesus Mom and son only get to stay if it sets up Nan to be the Supreme. She seemed to have the most growth out of all the girls and, really, she didn’t deserve to be drowned in a bathtub. She’s probably happy hanging out with Papa Legba, though. Dude knows how to party.

Delia in no way earned her Supremacy. She was easily the weakest witch in the house: marrying a witch hunter, getting blinded, not teaching the girls any magic, letting her charges run roughshod over her, letting her mother run roughshod over her. She had no backbone to her at all and couldn’t stand up for herself. She could have easily stayed on as headmistress for the school because that’s about the only thing she was good for. And not even that really because it didn’t seem like there were any lessons going on at the school. Just a lot of cat-fights and killings and name callings and baby snatching (won’t someone please go to the attic to rescue that poor baby from Spaulding? They have to know she’s there, right? Right?!)

In spite of my disappointment with this season, I’ll still watch the next. I love horror anthologies and this is pretty much all we have on tv right now. AHS Murder House is still my favorite, although I’ll be giving Asylum another go since I didn’t finish it.

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3 responses to “The Worst Witch

  1. You nail every single witchy little nail on the head.

    Seriously, someone by this woman a seat in the AHS writers’ room.

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